Keep your love locked down

This Kanye West song is amazing, I can't stop listening to it. I still can't believe he lost his mom a month or so ago. This world is fucked up...

I'm currently sitting here at my apartment, trying to start one of three papers due November 12th. Yes, all three papers are due that day. Why? Because my life is fucked. Naaah, acutally I think it's because my teachers are fucking idiots and don't realize that everybody has a shit load of classes and not just theirs. So I've dedicated my Thursday night to this bullshit. I could be out in Atlanta with my friends watching a play and going to Dads garage. It's a little frustrating.

Tomorrow I have to take the Regents, what the hell? On halloween I have to take a test. Let's hope I don't fail it this time haaaaaaahaha, it's really not funny but I try and laugh it off. I'm really upset I failed it.... by four points, awesome. Maybe its because English is my third language, maaaaybe? Maybe. After the test though I'll be headed home and changing into my halloweener costume. I am going to dress up as a Kitty Kat. No not a slutty cat, but a cute cat. I bought a black dress (which will be worn on other days too) and some fuzzy ears, collar, and a tail. I'm also going to paint my face... cat nose and whiskers. Someone might actually mistake me for a damn cat hahahah, that would be funny. I plan on getting shitfaced because a.) rough fucking week dude and b.) it's L.A's birthday!!!! and lastyly c.) I need to make out with some dude and that will only happen if I'm retarded drunk.

So maybe I was kidding about that last one.... maybe I was serious. Ahh fuck I'm kidding. I already know all the dudes going to this party tomorrow night and yeah hell no, no no no. Umm... what else has been going on this past month of my life? Road trip has yet to happen. Thanksgiving break is coming up, thank god. Oh yeah, KSU can kiss my fucking ass man. I swear, this is my last time transferring, I promise!!!! Transferring has got to be the most frustrating process. First of all, I don't get to sign up for Spring classes until JANUARY hahahahahahah what the fuck? I am going in as a Jr\Sr. Bullshit right? yes. Second I have to fill out this super long thing online about my HOPE scholarship. Oh god, my brain hurts right now thinking about it.

Let's see... next month I have to get serious about getting braces. Dude how lame. Braces at 21 years old, going on 22 in less than six months. I don't want braces, but what choice do I really have? Do I want to straighten out my teeth or should I have them be fucked up forever? Ummm yeah. If I do get braces put on it will be for only about year. My teeth aren't really fucked up, they are just a little crooked up top... so maybe I'll wear them for 1-2 years, not bad not bad right?!

Oh my gosh I cleaned our apartment this morning. It was absolutely disguting. I feel better right now, I feel like I'm not breathing-in dirt/dust. My room smells fresh! I also had orientation at my new job today. It went well. I like the assistant manager, he's a little fruity but I like that. I like gay guys so much!!!! Speaking of gay guys, my friend Mason came over last night and we totally watched The Strangers!!!! Kristen nearly shit herself. I almost peed my pants and I've totally seen it before hahaha, it's a scary movie. It's god awful scary because it's so fucked up, it could really happen to you or anybody else. Also it's based on "true events."

Oh man.... why the hell do I have a crush on a guy who has a girlfriend? I mean... I guess you can't help your feelings but I knew this shit was going to happen, especially when we hang out and we hung out the other day. If he didn't have a girlfriend I WOULDA JUMPED HIS BONES while he was on my couch ;) But I'm a good girl and I don't do that slutty stuff, nor am I going to be held responsible for all that bullshit. The funny thing is... everybody says he likes me or has intention of making a move... and I believe that because of his behavior/texts/calls/etc. I just don't really know what to do about it. I'm not gonna tell him to break up with his girl, I don't know her and I don't know their relationship so fuck that. I need to find someone else to flirt with.

I'm so sick and tired of an exboyfriends bullshit. He calls me today after I told him two months ago NOT to call me ever again... If I needed him or if I wanted to talk... I would call him. What the fuck? Is that so hard to understand? Motherfucker calls me and asks me if I'm on campus. Stupid I don't have classes on Thursdays. He wanted to have lunch, dude fuck off. I'm trying to get over you, completely over you. So stop putting me back in your life when you don't want to be with me. Goaesefoishdgiusdhgsiogh I hate boys, hate hate hate. I really can't get attached to anybody else like that unless it's some serious shit. Being in love is great, but what I am going through right not and the things I've been going through the past year and some months has been terrible. I want to scream, but I've held together pretty well.

Enough talk about bullshit. I have to start these papers immediately!

How clean is your house?

Have you ever seen that show on the British channel? I think I'm in love with it. The two ladies who host the show always seem to amaze me. For example on this episode... they go into a disgusting as fuck bathroom and pick up feces off of the toilet with their BARE FINGERS!!!!! Oh my god barf. I nearly gagged. They just don't seem to give a shit, LITERALLY!

It's thursday and I am so glad. No work, no school today! Thank you thank youuuu! I needed this day off so badly. I've done absolutely nothing progressive today besides gone to the gym, but when the fuck was the last time I didn't do shit all day and relaxed? Umm... I don't remember that day. It doesn't happen very often.

I'm excited for tonight cause we're all going to Dad's garage. Improve time! Last week was very funny. We're also having dinner with Kat and Drue. I'm gonna miss Kat so much when she moves to Kansas, but it will give us a good reason to Road trip out there.

Speaking of road trips... Steven, Lisa, Allen and I are going to road trip to Utah within the next month. Steven has some friends up there. Holy shit I'm so stoked. It's going to be a shit ton of fun. I'm finally putting my video-camera to good use! And then sometime after Utah we're road tripping to Tennessee. I've heard many great things about TN, and I can't wait to visit. Lisa's got some people up there we can stay with. Dude, staying for free is awesome. I hate hotels, they give me the creeps.

So school is going alright. So far I've received all A's and B's. I know I bombed my 2110 mid-term. Holy shit it was so difficult. No word bank???? Yet spelling counts? What the fuck? My teacher must be smoking crack.

I am going to quit the picture people by the end of this month. I can't deal with bullshit anymore. My manager is such a bitch and only bosses people around. Bitch, this store runs because of me and the other employees. She has no appreciation for her employees. Also gas is killing me. 22 miles to get there. That makes it 44 miles round-trip. Not worth it. I got a job at the Town Center mall at a children's clothing store. 2.7 miles from my place, much better. Plus I'll still be working with children, whom I really love.

My friend from High school passed away two Sundays ago. She had just turned 21. I went to her viewing and it was surreal. I couldn't stand looking at her in the casket. It's like you don't want to believe what you're seeing because you don't want to believe they're dead. She wasn't my best friend throughout High school but she was a friend, and she didn't deserve to pass away so young. I know at least 5 or 6 people that have passed away since High school. It's so fucking sad. It makes you appreciate your life so much more. I'm so happy just to be here, and be alive. We take life for granted. We will all miss Jaimie so very much.

I'm sorry that was a sad paragraph...

I'm not sure what else has been going on in my life. I miss my family so much. I haven't been home in three weeks because I've been so fucking busy with school and work. I wish I didn't have to work and that money wasn't an issue. I talked to my grandma last night and I told her that school was rough, and she said she would pray for me. It made me tear up because I love my grandmother so much. She is my second mother, she always has been. I pray and hope to god that she will be with us next summer so that she can accompany me on my trip back to Bosnia. My aunt plans on coming too. It would be such a great trip for all of us to take. I can't wait to see family I haven't seen in over ten years. I can't wait to see my grandma's old house I played in. The house that my family and I grew up in was destroyed during the war, but I think it would be neat to still visit the sourrounding areas. I pray for this trip all the time. I need to so badly.

I'm trying to get back into photography. I haven't lost interest, I've just lost time. I don't remember the last time I took a photo, or went out on a photo shoot. What the hell is wrong with me? I really love the human body so I'm just playing around with the shapes and curves. That's why I'm doing a series of the human body...



And that is what I leave you with.

Cramping sucks

Yes, indeed I am on my period. It sucks but at least I know I'm not pregnant. Juuuust kidding. In order to get pregnant you must have sex, and I certainly have not been having sex. Dude, fuck sex, I'm not desperate enough to sleep with some random dude. That's always been weird to me. Like how some people can just get laid with a stranger because they wanted to fuck. First of all, sex with a stranger sounds disgusting, and how could it not be weird? I rather have sex with a friend.

Last night was the BIG Party. Oh my god, it was so much fun. So much madness going on it was insane. I took about 2579 photobooth pictures. Later on we turned the photobooth into a make-out booth. Stupid boys were shy. It didn't work well. The moonbounch was the shit. Eventhough it was huge, once there was 4 or more people inside, it would be complete chaos. I mean it almost flipped at one point and at another I had some dudes crotch in my FACE. At least he was somewhat cute, right? I danced until my feet almost fell off. They are hurting today :( We danced to Chris Brown's "Forevaaa" because it's such a fun song to dance to. Everybody butt-grinded, it was hilarious. Everybody came out, I was so happy to see people I haven't seen in months! It was a great turn out.

I don't feel hung-over this morning AT all. I feel really good. I had just the right amount of beer. I'm pretty sure I danced off the beers I had. Hell yeah.

It's beautiful outside today. I have to work on my Article first before I can think about going outside and hanging out. Kelso wants to go take pictures and I'm all for it. Maybe we'll go to the zoo. He's never been!

I went to the Town Center mall yesterday and applied at several different places. I made a good first-impression on the manager at The Limited and so now I have an interview on Thursday :) It's a fairly small clothing store. Their clothes are more professional but still cute. I also applied at Ambush. Dude, I'd love to work there but they are not hiring right now. Maybe they'll keep my application until they do hire.

I'm suppose to go home on Monday night for this Bosnian holiday but I seriously doubt I can. I have a shit ton of homework to do, papers to write, and not to mention gas is an issue. It's not only expensive but hard to find. I'm looking for it right now online and it's hard to tell if they still have the gas or not. God damn it, fuck the hurricanes and fuck our economy.

Study, study, study

Why am I not doing my homework right now? I don't understand. I know I will eventually start studying tonight but not right this second. I'm not motivated enough. I fucking hate homework and studying for an exam. I make the same damn grade whether I study or not... yet I continue my studying like it's a fucking chore.

I am always stuck in such weird and awkward situations with boys. Alright, so I have a boy friend (hence the space, he's a boy and he's just my friend). We've been friends for maybe 5 or more months now and we have become really close. He's fucking funny and I love him to death. He's all around a great friend. I care about him a lot. Well, I suppose he asked me out on a date last night... but I don't know if I took him seriously. We ended up watching a movie and baking cookies. It's what we usually do, or at least have done in the past so it didn't feel like a "date" or did we act any differently. I do really care for him and I think he's a great guy, I just don't know if I want anything more. I feel as if we're already past that stage, like it's almost too late to be more than just friends. But yet we tend to hold hands and cuddle, etc. We have not kissed although we've slept in the same bed twice. I know that sounds crazy to some people but I don't necessarily want to kiss him. Don't get me wrong, I would definitely kiss him but... I can't explain it. I like how we can just sleep together. It feels different. Every other guy I have slept in the same bed with, has tried at least something... whether it be sex, oral, etc. Fuck, this is such a long and complicated situation. I don't know what to think of it.

Do I really have time for a boyfriend? But then again I do really want someone in my life right now that can be more than a friend. Companionship is always a plus. This is giving me a headache.

On a whole other note, (yes I'm still talking about boys, sorry) I have this small, tiny, itty-bitty crush on a boy who has a girlfriend. Not to mention he has had this girlfriend for three years. Umm... what the fuck? Can't I just find a dude who isn't in a relationship, gay, weird, just a friend? Please god help me out here. Weird thing is, he talks to me... a lot. I don't know how I feel about it. I don't know how I would feel if I had a boyfriend of 3 years who talked to other girls randomly. Oh wait, my ex-boyfriend of 3 years did do that. Funny! Not funny, not funny at all. Really shitty. I wanted to kick him in the ballsack. Anyways, this guy is so nice, so sweet, so cute, and he likes photography. Dude, that's such a plus. You don't find that many guys who are interested in the same things as you are. So he is trying to get me to hang out with him sometime next week since this week I bailed. That's another long story.

It's ten o'clock at night. I need to get off this fucking computer and get my study on.

I'm going job hunting next week, or as soon as I can. My manager can kiss my ass. I love what I do but I hate my store manager. She has something to say to me everyday. Something to just piss me off, or make me have a terrible day. People like that should just go to hell. I'm gonna go apply to Ambush, that skate store. Maybe that sound super lame but I really don't have that many options. If I could only Substitute Mon-Fri and have my weekends off! That would be the life.

So my KSU re-admin status says "Fully Accepted" and for some reason I don't believe it. They don't even have my recent transcript what the hell? Aren't they going to need my grades from this semester as well? I absolutely hate transferring schools. Dear jesus I've done it three times now, this will be my fourth. I need to stay and graduate from KSU.

Kristen and I went to Audrey's babyshower today. It was a lot of fun. I kinda stuffed my face with all the free food. Hey what can I say? I was hungry and so were the other bitches there. Audrey received so many amazing presents. If I ever have a baby, I better have a badass babyshower. Shower me with gifts!!!

I could write about several more things but I've got to go study right this minute.

What a day

I'm finally home. I am exhausted. It has been a very long day at school. I was literally falling asleep in my last class. Two hour long class was a big mistake. Never doing that again. Lesson learned.

I'm making a big cup of coffee right now. I feel like I could fall asleep at the keyboard... What the hell is wrong with me ?

It makes me sick to my stomach knowing how much I have to do for school in the next month or two. I've planned it all out, it's all marked in my planner. I can't be lazy this semester. I must work hard. Musn't I? Is that even a word? I just made it a word.

I had dinner with my friend Kelso tonight. We may go to florida at the end of this month. I would really love to go. I haven't been in three years. I just need to see the beach. Nothing is for sure yet. My plans for the beach were ruined this summer. It's hard to make plans with 8 other people. Now I don't care how many people go nor who is going.

My friends car was broken into the other night downtown. Big surprise right?! I fucking hate Atlanta so much. It's a shitty city with the shittiest people. His laptop and camping bag were stolen. Roughly estimated $3,000 were stolen from him. Makes me so angry. I know what it feels like. You feel violated. You feel helpess. And then you feel sick, literally you feel ill. I almost threw up when I was mugged. Don't get me wrong, Atlanta is a cool city and I like hanging out in Atlanta. But as far as living there goes, fuck that. I almost lost my life down there.

Let's talk about something else...

I'm voting for O'bama. Fuck McCain. He's an idiot and so is Palin. McCain is going to die in two years and Palin is a crazy person. I will not go into it right now but O'bama FOR CHANGE, that's all.

John's party was last Friday. I had a lot of fun. Met a ton of new people. Most of which were really cool, some of which were really stupid. Hey you get some, you lose some. I was very drunk so I probably seemed very stupid. It was my first time drinking in several months. I don't do it much, so that's why a couple of beers plus a shot got me wasted.

The Gwinnett County Fair opens this Thursday. My friend and I are going next week. It's kind of like a tradition that we all have to go. It's a lot of fun even though I get sick so easily on the rides. I love the swings and the only roller coaster there. It looks very unsafe and feels like you're going to fall out of your seat any second. We ride it anyway. I live life dangerously.

I'm off to watch The Hills. Fuck off, don't hate. It's my favorite show.

My first blog

I can't believe how fast time is passing by. We are in the month of September, fall is coming very soon. It will only last for a month and then it will be freezing cold. I'm ready though. I'm ready for coats, jackets, sweaters, scarfs, hats, and gloves.

I worked today. It was a lot of fun. I'm in love with kids. I took this little boys picture. His name was Caleb and he was two years old. He was such a trip. He kept giving me High-Fives. He was attached to my leg. He smiled for me. It was great. His mother loved the pictures and that's always a good feeling.

The reason I have taken up this job again is because I do love it. I couldn't find a job out here in Kennesaw. I tried, and tried. But there is no way I am applying to serve food, or sell clothes, or any of that bullshit. If I hate my job, I'm sorry I can't work. I am very glad to be working with kids and photography again. I'm just not very excited about driving 20miles to work. I already commute to Georgia State and that's about 30miles from my apartment. I hate money. I hate gas.

School is kicking my ass right now. I have so many papers, projects, articles, bullshit work to do. Everything is due in the middle of October and November. How the hell are all my papers due on the 10th of November? Conclusion: I hate school. I can't wait to be done. Two more years, two more years.

I can't wait to teach. Especially teach Art. I would like to start at the Elementary level because I love young children. But eventually I would like to teach High School because I want to see the older kids create real art.

I've decided I am going to Graduate school. I know that's another two years on top of everything but it will be worth it in the end. I re-applied to Kennesaw State again and I didn't have to pay an admission fee. Thank you lord, thank you. I applied for Spring 2009. Let's all pray I get re-accepted. I know it's ridiculous to be applying to a school I've already attended but you never know where life will take you. I never thought I would be living in Kennesaw again, and well here I am. If I could go to KSU for the rest of my College years and Graduate school, I would be very happy. It will save me at least $50 per week in gas money. Wise decision right ? Right!

Our lovely friend Brad is back in town from Seattle. He has been gone for about a year. He joined the Army after med-school. I know that sounds crazy, but it was his decision. He is coming back to town tomorrow and leaving for Iraq the following week. We're all hanging out tomorrow night because I'm very sad about him having to be stationed in Iraq for a year. It's a scary thought.

I could ramble on forever but it's time for bed. Goodnight!